Schmeves was obviously eager to enter this world and despite the breach position raced out of Mama Jean"s womb in some twenty minutes. The echoes of Mama Jean's screams are now being picked up by some of Nasa"s Instruments that are now in deep space.
Schmeves has always maintained that if he could make money drinking beer he would be a millionaire and if pissing off women was an economically viable option, he would compete with Bill Gate's for the top of the Forbe's list of the wealthiest individuals.
But Schmeves was never interested in money. At an early age he realized the world he saw was quite different from that the way others viewed it. He quickly spurned formal education, as too establishment and he knew he wasn't. He spent his youthful exuberance in relative obscurity working in the anti war moment and living in Northern California.
Since he had been married 3 times, 4 if you count the common law one, he surmised that he knew more about marriage than most. It was a natural progression for him to become a marriage counselor. It was at this time that Schmeves learned if you bite the establishment, it is sure to bite you back and it almost always has bigger teeth.
As his practice grew into success, the more conventional practitioners enlisted mental health trade associations and state bureaucracies to exact control of what this particular component of the establishment considered to be some sort of wildcat operation. Schmeves openly questioned whether this industry was helping the public when there was direct correlation to the growth of the Counseling Profession and an increase in the divorce rate.
His first publication, "PCP, A Key Element In Matrimonial Harmony," was harshly panned by the mental health crowd, but Schmeves was accustomed to the fact that success was more likely to bring contempt than accolades.
Yet it was not only the "Mental Healthers," as Schmeves likes to refer to them, that became incensed over this publication, Corporate America was very interested in curbing Schmeves's exposure to the public.
Chapter 9 in this publication was titled, "The Art of Chemical Warfare in Relationships," and the content contained within listed a combination of foods along with recipes that would maximize the offensiveness and therefore the effectiveness of flatulence. Since at this point in a marital conflict that it was likely the male would be doing his own laundry, Schmeves developed a rating system so a man could make a suitable determination as to which concoction would work and leave the least residue.
Not long after publication, the Chief Legal Counsel of Procter and Gamble sent Schmeves an offer of $50,000 for the rights of the book. Schmeves�s radar immediately engaged. He felt the maker of detergents and stain removers and he had conflicting interests. Schmeves's success was determined by how many households stayed together and the corporate leviathan's profits would increase if there were two households instead of one. But Schmeves's assumption was incorrect about Procter and Gamble's angle. After Schmeves's turned down escalating offers, he received a call from Jeffery Harmon, who identified himself as an employee of the Chief Legal Counsel for Procter and Gamble.
Schmeves felt the offer was tantamount to either a bribe or extortion, not that there�s much of a difference in the business world, and continued to decline the proposition despite the final offer of $150,000. Not used to being turned down, Mr. Harmon became terse, "Look, shit stains are the life blood of this corporation and we are not going to allow some hippie disseminate unproven and untested means of reducing shit stains to the American people."
It was a day of mixed emotions for Schmeves, he knew that his small publisher Bancroft & Hayden was not likely to take a stand against Procter and Gamble, but he felt vindicated on his choice not to work in the corporate realm where he would have to worry so much about shit stains.
Schmeves spent the next several years working for a men's health publication as it's lead columnist. Schmeves has always felt the magazine, Men�s Monthly, as it was known, was ahead of it's time and thus never gained the traction he had hoped. However, because of his efforts it did draw a loyal, albeit small readership.
His columns engaged the readers and they would often ask his advice which he would envelope inside a column. One young man wrote to say his traditional dates with women were not successful and he asked Schmeves for help. In a column, "Shoot the Boot," Schmeves instructed those in the same dilemma to hang out in bars, approach women who catch their eye, remove one of her shoes, pour beer in it and guzzle the beer as quickly as one can. "She's bound to either want to change you or she will love you as you are. I know a 50% success rate might not sound great, but in love that's about as good as it gets." Later on in the column he pointed to the divorce rate for support his contention.
While those years spent at the magazine are regarded by Schmeves as some of his best, it was not all fun and games and his tenure ended abruptly. A reader wrote to Schmeves saying he was concerned about his current girlfriend. He thought she was very attractive, but she seemed like she had multiple personalities. This gave Schmeves's the inspiration for a column, titled, "Sybil Dorsett, an Honest Portrayal of an Average American Woman."
Schmeves was never afraid of creating friction, but this was the first time that he did not have a safe haven or a side in which supported him. Internal conflict arouse when some of the medical contributors became incensed when in the column Schmeves openly wondered if Sybil needed counseling at all when Schmeves confided to his readers that he paid several women huge sums of money over the years to perform essentially the same acts Sybil's mother perpetrated on her.
That was not the least of it. Feminist groups were enraged by Schmeves's main hypothesis that if a man finds an American woman with less than 16 different personalities he should probably cut that deal, especially if she looks like Sally Fields.
Schmeves's found out that when women are uniformly angry they tend to have one personality and it is not a good one. They demanded his departure and got it. Why so many feminists are so concerned about what is written in a men's health journal? Is a question that still lingers for Schmeves to this day.
You can bend Schmeves, but you cannot break him. The sudden departure left Schmeves with the opportunity to begin the research on his next work. "Three Hots and a Cot, a Review of the County Jails Across America" was a compilation of Schmeves's experiences while traveling across the USA. In it he lists where the best counties are to be arrested and detained. He rated the food, overall conditions, clothing, disposition of guards and other employees and which county prosecutors paid the most for snitching.
The ACLU used the information contained in the book in several cases when it sued several jurisdictions for the poor state of affairs with their lockups. They wanted Schmeves's to testify several times as an expert witness, but because he was no longer welcome in some 70% of America, they decided they needed a witness that could be relied on with more consistency.
Schmeves realized that when you have a friend in Jesus, but not 70% of America, you have to go where Jesus lives and 70% America does not. So, on Thanksgiving 2005, Schmeves was in the company of his good friend Johnny Wraith for a farewell send off, when he approached an unsuspecting woman and played "Shoot the Boot" for old time sake. Johnny encouraged him to repeat the performance, "that shit will only get you married" was Schmeves retort.
Schmeves then packed one lone knapsack and emigrated the USA and headed off to Aruba. Schmeves decided in the autumn of his life, he needed some place where the criminal justice system would protect him. 60 days for rape and kidnapping was a much more harsh sentence than a criminal could expect in let's say California, so Schmeves was more than confident that he could remain safe in Aruba.
Now he is happy to sit on his porch with his IMAC powerbook where he writes his stories and drinks his Green Label each day and allows the continual Caribbean breeze to move his long sandy blonde locks and his gray beard to her liking. If you can manage to approach him in between thoughts, he will flash a big smile which welcomes all comers as good friends and he is apt to quote the man he considers the most pertinent philosopher of our time, Jimmy Buffet, "Some of it's magic, a lot of it's tragic, but I've had a good life all the way."
subscribe
subscribe