This story first appeared in the June 6, 2003 issue of "Fast Lane Magazine" an entertainment guide distributed in local bars throughout the Metro Phoenix, Arizona area. It was the genesis of a column I would later write, called "Road Rage: Tales from the Taxi." At that time I was writing as "Matt 'The Cab Guy' Kelly".
"The Origin of Whup-Ass"
by
Matt 'The Cab Guy' Kelly
Well friends, as you know, I have quite a lot of time in the cab to think about things, and sometimes my mind just runs away from me. I get to thinking about things so hard, I just can’t help myself. Let me tell you, I’ve been known to muse for hours on the most trivial topics. For example, just the other day I devoted at least a good hour to the origin of a phrase I’ve heard many a time (usually in a bar) and just had to write my musings down. So let me tell you about...
“The Origin of Whup-Ass.”
If you've ever spent any amount of time in a bar, you may have heard someone say, “Boy, if you’re not careful, I’m gonna have to open a can of whup-ass on you!” Now, being a fairly poor fighter (neither am I a great lover – oh, I haven’t had any complaints, but no tremendous rush of praise either), I have all my life carefully refrained from uttering these words. Not withstanding the fact that the phrase does have a certain cachet, it is provocative, likely to escalate rather than defuse a tense situation.
Now course, your Cab Guy is no stranger to tense situations, which occur fairly often in my chosen profession, but I prefer not to engage in actual fisticuffs. Unless my potential opponent is old or feeble.
“Boy, if you’re not careful, I’m gonna have to open a can of whup-ass on you!” seems an excess of action if you ask me. If you think about it, a can of whup-ass, which I imagine would resembles a one-pound can of Campbell’s Pork and Beans, would tend to be a fairly handy weapon to have in a fight. Think of the damage you could inflict with an implement of war such as this.
Assuming close quarters, you could hold it in your hand, and bonk your opponent on the head, likely winning the battle right then and there. On the other hand, as a stand off weapon, it would make a handy missile, on a par with a pool cue ball, or the odd beer bottle. Of course, using your handy can of whup-ass in this fashion would take a fair amount of throwing skill, what with having to aim and all, but practice would take care of that. Used in either fashion would certainly be quicker than actually opening the can.
But, then again, saying, “Boy, if you’re not careful, I’m gonna throw a can of whup-ass at you!” doesn’t have quite the same impact as the threat to open said can does.
I don’t know about you, but I have a fair amount of trouble imagining how actually opening a can of whup-ass improves the actual effectiveness of the product. Hell, if you think about it, just saying, “Boy, if you’re not careful, I’m gonna have to open a can of whup ass on you!” is certain to warn your opponent of your intentions, thereby depriving you of the element of surprise, thereby allowing him to get the drop on you, and open his own can of whup-ass!
And what the hell are you going to do if you threaten to open a can of whup-ass, and then, and only then, realize you have forgotten your can opener? This tactically disadvantageous situation would present quite a dilemma, wouldn’t you say?
But where did the phrase “Open a can of whup-ass!” originate, anyway? As your faithful and fearless Cab Guy, I have gone to extensive lengths to uncover the answer to this question, and tell a good story. No, no need for your thanks or praise. The pursuit of knowledge is reward enough.
Now follow me on this, and try to keep up. Through careful consideration of the facts, it is my belief that the term “whup-ass” was likely first spoken somewhere in the Southern reaches of these our United States, along about the time that televisions became generally affordable to a large percentage of the population, and was the result of the confluence of illiteracy and the television cartoon show “Popeye the Sailor.”
Now, Dear Reader, I know what you’re thinking: “Popeye the Sailor and illiteracy? The Hell you say! How so? Explain it to me, Cab Guy!”
Well, patience, friend, patience. Stay with me, and I will.
See, one day, somewhere in Georgia, or Alabama, or most likely, Arkansas, back in the late Fifties, or early Sixties, the five year old son (we’ll call him “Jimmy Joe”) of a poor, illiterate sharecropper (“Daddy”, or possibly “Pappa”) was watching cartoons on the family’s brand new television, when the cartoon “Popeye the Sailor” came on. Now, we all know, being the children of TV that we are, that in every single episode of this once glorious example of the animator’s art, Popeye and Brutus eventually had a fight. It not mattered how these fights started (although, it was, in fact, over the affections of the fair Olive Oyl, quite possibly the homeliest woman ever to appear in a cartoon), it is enough to say that a fight between Popeye and Brutus was central to almost every episode of “Popeye the Sailor.”
It was always the same: Brutus would attempt to put the moves on the fair Miss Oyl, Popeye would take offense, and a terrible, horrible, brutal battle of truly epic proportions would ensue, during which Brutus would appear to have the better of Popeye, and proceed to beat the ever lovin’ snot out of Popeye. When all was bleak and things appeared to be truly hopeless, and it was obvious to all that Popeye was a goner, our hero would break out his secret weapon: a plain old, ordinary, can of spinach (which could be obtained for a pittance from any of a number of grocery stores across our fair land, such as Safeway, A and P, or Piggly-Wiggly).
But the awesome, terrible power that was contained in that innocuous can of spinach! It was if an atomic bomb had been jammed into that tin can! (God forbid the Russians ever discovered the secret of Popeye’s can of spinach. Had they done so, we’d all be speaking Russky now.) Anyway, just when it looked certain that Popeye was to be defeated by the evil Brutus, he’d open that can, and the tables would be turned!
So anyway, one day Jimmy Joe is watching TV, and his Daddy comes into the room. Daddy sees that Jimmy Joe is absolutely enthralled by the show, so he sits down next to Jimmy Joe to watch. When they come to part where Brutus is whippin’ poor Popeye’s ass, and Popeye gets out his can of spinach, the pivot upon which our story turns is forged. Jimmy Joe turns to his Daddy, who he has always considered to be the fount of eternal wisdom, and asks a simple question: “Daddy, what does it say on that there can that Popeye has in his hand? I don’t know what it is, but when Popeye opens it, and eats what’s inside, he becomes terribly strong, and beats Ol’ Brutus down. What does it say, Daddy?”
Well, friends, Jimmy Joe’s Daddy couldn’t read, being illiterate and all, but that don’t stop him none from offering an opinion. He sees Popeye open the can, eat the contents, and proceed to beat the tar outta Brutus, and he knows, instantly, exactly what he is looking at.
“Why, Jimmy Joe,” he says, “that there is a can of whup-ass!”
There you have it, dear readers. We all owe a debt of gratitude to that long forgotten, illiterate Arkansas sharecropper for giving all of us such a wonderful, terribly useful phrase. And that’s how it happened. Or should have.
And if any of y’all wish to call me a liar, I guess I’ll just have to open a can of whup-ass on you!
(Copyright 2003, All Rights Reserved)
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