Johnny Wraith Stories

She called.

“Hello.” I said.

“Hi.” She said.

“How are you, Mary Lou?”

“How are you, Johnny?”

“Fine.”

“Me too.”

“So, why did you call?” I asked. “About our date tonight?”

“I’m putting an end to it.”

“An end- to what?”

“Us.”

“We’re already over. We were divorced 3 months ago.”

“That’s not it. I mean WE ARE REALLY OVER THIS TIME.”

“But we were divorced 3 months ago.”

“GOD DAMNIT JOHNNY! DON’T YOU GET IT? YOU CAN’T COME OVER AND FUCK ME ANY MORE!”

“Why not? We’ve gotten along great since the divorce.”

“GOD DAMNIT!”

“What?”

“JOHNNY! Listen to me. Since we’ve been divorced, all you’ve done is come over every-other night to fuck me. IT IS OVER!”

“I thought you enjoyed it.”

“LOOK. I can’t just be your whore. Wait around for you to show up when you’re horny.”

“But you have your life now. I have mine. And we get together evenings – frequently. After all, you’ve got that kid…  What else are you supposed to do? You have to be home nights. And we aren’t lonely this way.”

“I HAVE A LIFE TOO!”

“So do I.”

“LOOK. JOHNNY. I have been through a lot. First it was Todd, Timmy’s father. Then it was you. It never worked out. Things are about to change.”

“Change?”

“Yes.”

“How?”

“I’m seeing Jerry.”

“JERRY!”

“Yes.”

“He’s an old man with gray hair. He’s like 55 and you’re only 27!”

“I deserve him.”

“What the hell? DESERVE?”

“Yes. I’ve lived my life right, but suffered a lot. It is about time for ME, and Timmy, to finally have what I want – WHAT WE NEED.”

“Yeah… His money.”

“When I was a little girl, I used to sit on his lap and call him Uncle Jerry.”

“He’s your dad’s best friend. Christ.”

“We are in love,” she said. “We are getting married. You will always regret losing me.”

And then she hung up.

CLICK.

Just like that.

Then I hung up and just stood there. I just stood there in the little kitchen of my $350 a month apartment. I just stood there. For about an hour. I couldn’t even reach the pack of cigarettes. And it was only an arms-length away, at the end of the faded Formica countertop. I didn’t have it in me to go to the cabinet either. To pull out that fifth of Jack I’d been saving for this kind of occasion. It was horrible. Agonizing. I’d never get to fuck Mary Lou again. There was no going back.  Old Jerry would be fucking her now. I was sweating cold sweat, my heart racing. My mind racing. Yet my body frozen in place and trembling at the same time.

Luckily, the phone rang. I popped slightly out of my debilitating agony and answered. It was a last chance at hope. “Hello?”

“Johnny. Johnny!” a desperate voice pleaded.

Hearing the desperation in someone else, my strength quickly returned. “Bob? What’s wrong?”

“Johnny. It’s over between me and Dee Dee.  I just don’t know what to do.”

“Over? Why? How?”

“I… I…”

“Out with it man!”

“Johnny. After 5 months of dating, we finally slept together. Last night…”

“That’s good! You finally nailed her Bob!  It was taking so fucking long.  Her and her fucking Christian values.”

“That’s not it, Johnny.”

“Well, what then?”

“I… I…”

“WHAT!”

“This morning in my bed. I was still half asleep. I didn’t realize Dee Dee was in bed with me. I’m used to sleeping alone. The sun was just coming through the curtains. I was still  half asleep, my back to her, my face to the window. And… well… I… um…”

“WHAT!”

“I farted.”

I laughed out loud. “So what? You farted.”

“It was a really big fart. A massive one. And it really stank.”

I almost fell down laughing. I could barely breathe.

I finally came to.

“Johnny?” Bob said through the receiver. “Can you hear me?”

“Yes.” I panted, gripping the telephone tight. It wasn’t a cordless phone by the way. It was attached to the wall by a 5’ cord.

“I know it sounds funny, and I’d laugh too, if it had happened to someone else, but…”

“Yeah… I know man.”

“Dee Dee got mad. She jumped up and ran out of the room. I chased after her. We argued. Hard. Long story short, we both got really mad, yelled back and forth, swore to never speak again, and she left. She slammed the door when she left.”

“Can’t you just call her and say ‘I’m sorry I farted’ and that’s that?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I called her a Cunt.”

“Shit man.”

“Yeah. Shit.”

“Yeah.”

“So, I’m fucked now, aren’t I Johnny?”

“Probably. She’s already told all your friends you called her a Cunt by now. There’s no going back.”

“But she was overreacting.”

“True, but you got pissed too.”

“Yeah… yeah… I know.”

“But fuck man, I feel for you.”

“Thanks Johnny.”

“No problem.”

With a cracking voice, Bob quickly changed the subject. “And how is that ex-wife of yours, Mary Lou?”

“She called about an hour ago to say it was over.”

“Holy shit! I thought you were finally getting along.”

“Me too Bob… Me too…”

Bob chuckled. “Did you call her a Cunt?”

“No, she called me one.”