Johnny Wraith Stories

One early Monday morning, I entered Garner Law Offices and headed for the coffee pot. I’d worked there 4 months. It was my first job as a lawyer. I was 23. I’d only argued two traffic tickets.

Marge’s gray head popped into the hall and she yanked me into her office. A burning cigarette was in her mouth. She was the office manager. She chain-smoked and had a raspy voice. Marge had worked at Garner 35 years. Her office was always filled with smoke. She was one of the last great legal secretaries, the only woman I knew who could write in shorthand and capture every word of a long, heated negotiation between multiple parties.

Marge shoved a heavy case file in my arms. It weighed about 20 pounds. I had to use both hands to hold onto it. “Johnny, Roger is at the hospital today.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, and he’s got a tube up his leg. They’re looking at his heart.”

“I hope he’ll be alright.”

“Flunked his fucking treadmill. I’ve been telling him he eats like shit every day for 35 years. He didn’t listen. Now, Johnny, sit down and shut up. You’ve got important work to do. Listen.”

We sat down across from one another. I kept clutching the big file in both hands. Marge killed her cigarette butt in the ashtray, pulled out two new ones, and lit them both at once. I leaned forward so she could pluck one from her mouth and pop it into mine. “Thanks.”

“Johnny, you gotta go argue the Kirchner Case since Roger can’t.” Marge looked at her watch while she sucked a long drag. The cherry burned. “Case gets called in an hour and it takes 50 minutes to get there, assuming traffic is thick.”

“But... but… we won that case.”

“The Court decided to hear the Johnson Motion to Reconsider. So, the case is going to be heard again. Roger says it can go either way.”

“I don’t know jack shit about Real Property Law!”

“Roger says the Judge doesn’t either.”

My pulse rose. “This is that 5 million dollar land case!”

“Yep.”

“Johnson’s lawyer went to Harvard!”

“Yep… so?”

My hands went cold. “Kirchner is our best client.”

“He’s been with us for years.”

My throat tightened. Beads of sweat appeared on my forehead. “I’ve never argued a real case before!”

“Johnny, you just gotta go in there and give ‘em hell. Roger said you’re the only one in the firm with a chance to pull this off.”

“Everyone else is on vacation, but Ron. And he’s doing a deposition in Houston today.”

Marge chuckled.

“I don’t know anything about this case!” I pouted, then took a drag, threw my head back and blew smoke at the ceiling.

“You’ll have a chance to hear Johnson’s lawyer argue. He’ll go first and will say why the judgment should be reconsidered. Besides, Roger filed his written response a week ago. He says our complete argument is part of the record.”

“Then what I say today doesn’t matter!”

“It does matter. Roger always says most judges make up their minds at oral argument, and then go back to the record to find support. They never read all the pleadings ahead of time.”

“I can read Roger’s written response! That might help!”

“Johnny, Roger told me to tell you NOT to try and understand the case, or the pleadings. It all involves some old real property law that he says just doesn’t make any sense, and he’s been doing this 40 years.”

“What am I supposed to do?”

“Win the Judge’s favor.”

“How? How do you win a legal argument without a legal argument?”

“You’ll have to figure that out. You’re the lawyer. But I’ve been watching lawyers and judges for 35 years. The law never decides a case. A case is decided on feeling, and then the law is used as justification. That’s why the law can always go either way.”

I put out my cigarette and dropped my chin to the cumbersome file.

Marge sat there looking at me, smoking. She looked at her watch. “Get out of here. Good luck. And remember that God gave you one mouth and two ears for a reason.”

I got to court, and sat in the back until the case was called.

“AZ RP 10934 – 98, Johnson versus Kirchner.”

On weak knees, clutching the big case file in both arms, I walked down the aisle, passed through the bar, and took my table before the bench. My opponent did the same. He was a little guy, about 5’6” and 140lbs, and a lot older.

“ALL RISE,” said the bailiff. The Judge, Diane Anderson, came out in her black robe, took the bench. She was a brunette lady in her 40’s, short hair, on the slender side, and looked pretty good, for a judge. We’d sat together the last few county bar luncheons. I’d made her laugh by telling crazy stories, while the attorneys at the table sat silently, looking at me funny.

Judge Anderson nodded.

My opponent stood. “Good day, Your Honor. I am Vincent Goldman of Joyner, Sachs, Tyson, Hildebrandt, and Goldman. I represent Mr. Emory Johnson, Plaintiff.” It seemed he bowed a little bit before sitting.

The Judge looked at me.

I stood. I had trouble with the words. Dry mouth. Upset stomach. 5 million dollars in my hands.

“Are you alright, Mr. Wraith?” asked the Judge.

“Ye.. yes, Your Honor. Johnny Wraith for Kirchner.” Then I just stood there, frozen by nerves, looking stupid.

“You may be seated, Mr. Wraith.”

I sat.

“Mr. Goldman. I’m ready for your argument.”

The opposition stood. I readied my yellow legal pad and pen with trembling fingers. A bead of nervous sweat ran down my forehead, jumped off my cheek, and splat the paper.”

“Your Honor, Mr. Johnson seeks Reconsideration by this Court on the following grounds:

εν αρχη εποιησεν ο θεος τον ουρανον και την γην
η δε γη ην αορατος και ακατασκευαστος και σκοτος επανω
της αβυσσου και πνευμα θεου επεφερετο επανω του υδατος
και ειπεν ο θεος γενηθητω φως και εγενετο φως
και ειδεν ο θεος το φως οτι καλον και διεχωρισεν
ο θεος ανα μεσον του φωτος και ανα μεσον του
σκοτους
και εκαλεσεν ο θεος το φως ημεραν και το σκοτος
εκαλεσεν νυκτα και εγενετο εσπερα και εγενετο πρωι ημερα μια
και ειπεν ο θεος γενηθητω στερεωμα εν μεσω του υδατος
και εστω διαχωριζον ανα μεσον υδατος και υδατος και εγενετο
ουτως
και εποιησεν ο θεος το στερεωμα και διεχωρισεν ο θεος
ανα μεσον του υδατος ο ην υποκατω του στερεωματος και
ανα μεσον του υδατος του επανω του στερεωματος
και εκαλεσεν ο θεος το στερεωμα ουρανον και ειδεν ο
θεος οτι καλον και εγενετο εσπερα και εγενετο πρωι ημερα
δευτερα
και ειπεν ο θεος συναχθητω το υδωρ το υποκατω του
ουρανου εις συναγωγην μιαν και οφθητω η ξηρα και εγενετο
ουτως και συνηχθη το υδωρ το υποκατω του ουρανου εις
τας συναγωγας αυτων και ωφθη η ξηρα
και εκαλεσεν ο θεος την ξηραν γην και τα συστηματα
των υδατων εκαλεσεν θαλασsας και ειδεν ο θεος οτι καλον
και ειπεν ο θεος βλαστησατω η γη βοτανην χορτου σπειρον
σπερμα κατα γενος και καθ' ομοιοτητα και ξυλον καρπιμον ποιουν
καρπον ου το σπερμα αυτου εν αυτω κατα γενος επι
της γης και εγενετο ουτως
και εξηνεγκεν η γη βοτανην χορτου σπειρον σπερμα κατα γενος
και καθ' ομοιοτητα και ξυλον καρπιμον ποιουν καρπον ου το
σπερμα αυτου εν αυτω κατα γενος επι της γης και
ειδεν ο θεος οτι καλον
και εγενετο εσπερα και εγενετο πρωι ημερα τριτη
και ειπεν ο θεος γενηθητωσαν φωστηρες εν τω στερεωματι του
ουρανου εις φαυσιν της γης του διαχωριζειν ανα μεσον της
ημερας και ανα μεσον της νυκτος και εστωσαν εις σημεια
και εις καιρους και εις ημερας και εις ενιαυτους
και εστωσαν εις φαυσιν εν τω στερεωματι του ουρανου ωστε
φαινειν επι της γης και εγενετο ουτως

“Thank you Mr. Goldman.”

Mr. Goldman sat and turned slightly to me. He had a haughty look about him, red bow tie, little rimless round glasses, a gold pocket watch chain, real cuff links. I could hear what he was thinking. “You are a stupid kid. I looked you up in the Bar Directory and know you aren’t Ivy League like me.” Upon hearing this, my disabling nervousness began to wane immediately. I narrowed my eyes at him, imagined kicking his ass in the Court parking lot. “Fucking Ivy League cocksucker! Fucking Yankee Doodle! I’ll kick your ass! I ain’t whistling fucking Dixie!” I thought. My balls were finally kicking in. I started remembering everything Marge said.

“Mr. Wraith?”

I looked to the Judge. She seemed concerned.

“I want to nail you doggie style,” I thought. I imagined the violent slapping sounds and her guttural moaning as I dished it into her hard and fast. Now I was in control. Fearless. I could put up a fight, so it didn’t matter. Not even what happened in the end.

“Mr. Wraith? Do you have a response?”

“Balls, use your balls,” I thought.

I stood. I glanced to Goldman with a smirk. He replied with narrowed eyes. I winked at him. I turned back to the Judge and gave her a warm smile. Her eyes widened slightly, and a very slight smile was returned. I offered my bluff: “Judge, I listened real close to Mr. Goldman. He didn’t argue anything this Court didn’t hear last time. And HE LOST.”

Goldman sprang to his feet. I kept my smile on, sat, turned to him, and stared him down. Now he was getting frustrated. His face was turning red.

“Yes, Mr. Goldman?” said the Judge.

“Your Honor! Mr. Wraith has obviously failed to pay any attention, at all. How he can make such a ludicrous statement is beyond my comprehension. Let me rephrase my client’s position. The Judge nodded, and Goldman spoke:

και εποιησεν ο θεος τους δυο φωστηρας τους μεγαλους τον
φωστηρα τον μεγαν εις αρχας της ημερας και τον φωστηρα
τον ελασσω εις αρχας της νυκτος και τους αστερας
και εθετο αυτους ο θεος εν τω στερεωματι του ουρανου
ωστε φαινειν επι της γης
και αρχειν της ημερας και της νυκτος και διαχωριζειν ανα
μεσον του φωτος και ανα μεσον του σκοτους και ειδεν
ο θεος οτι καλον
και εγενετο εσπερα και εγενετο πρωι ημερα τεταρτη
και ειπεν ο θεος εξαγαγετω τα υδατα ερπετα ψυχων ζωσων
και πετεινα πετομενα επι της γης κατα το στερεωμα του
ουρανου και εγενετο ουτως
και εποιησεν ο θεος τα κητη τα μεγαλα και πασαν
ψυχην ζωων ερπετων α εξηγαγεν τα υδατα κατα γενη αυτων
και παν πετεινον πτερωτον κατα γενος και ειδεν ο θεος
οτι καλα
και ηυλογησεν αυτα ο θεος λεγων αυξανεσθε και πληθυνεσθε και
πληρωσατε τα υδατα εν ταις θαλασsαις και τα πετεινα πληθυνεσθωσαν
επι της γης
και εγενετο εσπερα και εγενετο πρωι ημερα πεμπτη
και ειπεν ο θεος εξαγαγετω η γη ψυχην ζωσαν κατα
γενος τετραποδα και ερπετα και θηρια της γης κατα γενος
και εγενετο ουτως
και εποιησεν ο θεος τα θηρια της γης κατα γενος
και τα κτηνη κατα γενος και παντα τα ερπετα της
γης κατα γενος αυτων και ειδεν ο θεος οτι καλα
και ειπεν ο θεος ποιησωμεν ανθρωπον κατ' εικονα ημετεραν και
καθ' ομοιωσιν και αρχετωσαν των ιχθυων της θαλασσης και των
πετεινων του ουρανου και των κτηνων και πασης της γης
και παντων των ερπετων των ερποντων επι της γης
και εποιησεν ο θεος τον ανθρωπον κατ' εικονα θεου εποιησεν
αυτον αρσεν και θηλυ εποιησεν αυτους
και ηυλογησεν αυτους ο θεος λεγων αυξανεσθε και πληθυνεσθε και
πληρωσατε την γην και κατακυριευσατε αυτης και αρχετε των ιχθυων
της θαλασσης και των πετεινων του ουρανου και παντων των
κτηνων και πασης της γης και παντων των ερπετων των
ερποντων επι της γης
και ειπεν ο θεος ιδου δεδωκα υμιν παν χορτον σποριμον
σπειρον σπερμα ο εστιν επανω πασης της γης και παν
ξυλον ο εχει εν εαυτω καρπον σπερματος σποριμου υμιν εσται
εις βρωσιν
και πασι τοις θηριοις της γης και πασι τοις πετεινοις
του ουρανου και παντι ερπετω τω ερποντι επι της γης
ο εχει εν εαυτω ψυχην ζωης παντα χορτον χλωρον εις
βρωσιν και εγενετο ουτως
και ειδεν ο θεος τα παντα οσα εποιησεν και ιδου
καλα λιαν και εγενετο εσπερα και εγενετο πρωι ημερα εκτη

Goldman finished and glanced at me with a TAKE THAT! look. I winked at him. He huffed and shook his head, plopped down in his chair, and folded his arms tightly. He stared straight forward, ignoring me.

“Thank you Mr. Goldman. Mr. Wraith?”

I stood. “Judge, I just heard the exact same argument, again.”

Goldman sprang to his feet waving his arms. “OBJECTION!”

“MR. GOLDMAN! I WILL NOT HAVE THIS BEHAVIOR IN MY COURT. SIT DOWN! Goldman obeyed, and sat. The Judge crossed her arms and stared at him for a moment. She turned to me and smiled. I smiled back.

“Judge. You did a great job deciding this case last time. Goldman and his client shouldn’t get two bites at the apple.” I sat.

“Is that all Mr. Wraith?”

“Yes Your Honor.”

“I’ll take this under consideration.” Then Judge Diane Anderson stood from the bench and walked out.

About two weeks later, Marge came into my office, a burning cigarette dangling from her mouth.

“Hey Johnny!”

“Yeah?”

“Good news in the Kirchner case!”

“We won?”

“Yep. We’re all proud of you. We knew you’d make a good litigator.”