Johnny Wraith Stories

I remember when online personals first came out. I was in grad school and a large computer lab was available to us.

Frank and I were sitting shoulder to shoulder, each at a computer. We were in the back, where no one could see us.

"Hey Johnny! Look at this!" Frank whispered. "There are a ton of women, all here in Tempe."

I looked over at his screen.  He was right.

"You going to sign up?" I asked.

"No dude, you gotta be desperate!"

"What's it cost?"

"Nothing. It's free, on Yahoo."

"Free?" I asked.

"Yeah."

I looked at his address bar, turned to my computer, and went to the same place.  I started filling out the forms, and even used my real name, my ASU email address...

Frank tapped me on the shoulder.  "Dude, Johnny.  No way.  You aren't really?"

I kept working the mouse, filling in blanks, hitting Enter.  "Why not? I might get lucky."

I got to the About Me form. I filled it out:

I'm Johnny Wraith. I'm 27. My hair is dark. I'm 6'1" and muscular. I've been married and divorced twice, and have no money or kids. I'm working on my third grad degree. I used to be a lawyer. I drive a crummy car. I drink a lot and smoke when I drink. I have a vasectomy. I am an Atheist. I can be a good friend to hang out with, while you are looking for the real thing.

In ten minutes, a response popped into my inbox. Then another, and another. I saved and closed my assignment, and started writing replies.

Three days later, I was knocking on an apartment door. A girl, named Alicia, opened it. She fit her description. About 25, 5'6". Brunette with straight hair to her shoulders, 110lbs, tan with an athletic figure. Perfect teeth, great smile. She wore a flimsy, maroon sundress and sandals. She smelled good.

Just as I stepped inside, a 2 yr old boy came toddling out from the hall. He stopped in his tracks and stared straight up at me. A horrified look was on his face. I think my face matched his.

"This is my son, Ryan."

"Hello Ryan."

Ryan began to cry and ran to his mother's knees.  She picked him up.

Someone knocked on the door, then it opened on its own.  An older woman stepped in.

"This is my mom," said Alicia.

A big smile was on the older woman's face.  After taking little Ryan from his mother, she turned to me and asked, "So, Johnny, you're a lawyer?"  It was the only thing she said.

"Yes," I answered.

Alicia and I said goodbye, grandma waved, and Ryan cried.

We got in my car. I turned the key and backed out.

"This car isn't that bad," said Alicia.

I shrugged and put it in drive.

Before we got out of the parking lot, she asked, "Are you really an Atheist?"

"I don't go to church," I replied.

"So do you believe?"

"I don't think I know enough to make a decision, one way or another."

"So you are really an Agnostic," she concluded.

"You can say that."

"I couldn't live with myself if I didn't believe. I would feel like I could just do anything. Why not? If we just die and that's it, nothing matters. Just have fun!" Alicia observed.

"I value the time I know I have. That's good enough for me."

"You're weird, and probably dangerous!" she giggled.

We got to the bar she'd picked out.  It was a place to play darts and pool, drink potent cider, beer, and wine. We played darts and drank cider. She was good at darts and beat me every time. The cider went down fast, and we had round after round. We laughed and played game after game. We kept going until the bartender announced "LAST CALL." We ordered a final round, put it down fast, and were scooted out. 

Halfway to Alicia's apartment, her head started bobbing. Soon she was hanging forward in her seatbelt, motionless, chin to sternum. A long string of drool dropped from her mouth. I pulled a fast food napkin from the console and cleaned her up.

We got to her place.  I parked the car, got out, went to the other side, and opened the passenger door.  She woke up and fumbled through her purse for keys.

"Mom's gonna kill me," Alicia slurred.

I undid her seatbelt and picked her up, carried her down the sidewalk, up two flights of stairs, and to her door. She did her best to stand up. Just as I put the key in the door, it flew open.  Alicia's mother poked her head out and looked at us. She didn't say a thing. She just grabbed her purse from the counter and rushed past us. She stomped down the steps as fast as she could. Two flights.

"Don't mind my Mom, she's moody."

I sat on the couch. Alicia stumbled around and lit several candles, then, she turned out the lights. The room glowed but the corners were dark.

"I'll be right back," mumbled Alicia.

She disappeared down the hall on clumsy feet.  I heard little Ryan awake. "Mommy!"  Mommy whispered a few things I couldn't make out, then, I heard her say a prayer with him: "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the lord my soul to keep.  If I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take." I heard her say "goodnight," followed by a big, smacking kiss. "I love you mommy," said little Ryan.  "I love you too," Ryan's mommy slurred.  Ryan's door shut quietly.  A few minutes passed.

Alicia appeared from the hall and motioned to me with a curling finger.  I got up and followed her down the hall to her bedroom. She had to use the walls for balance. Candles lit the bedroom.  Music was playing softly from a portable stereo on the nightstand. I still remember the song. It was Where have all the Cowboys Gone?

Alicia giggled, kicked off her sandals, and staggered to the bed.  She turned and wiggled her eyebrows at me, then blew me a kiss.  She pulled her sundress over her head, threw it over the headboard, and jumped under the covers. Off snapped her bra. It flew through the air and landed on the dresser.  Her panties followed, hit the dresser, but bounced off.

I just stood there, in the doorframe. 

"Come on!" Alicia coaxed with a drawl, her arms outstretched and open.   

I still just stood there. Her excitement faded. Her smile disappeared.

"What's wrong?" She whined.

"I can't do it."

"Why not?" She whined again.

"I'm a good Agnostic."

Alicia began to cry. "Get out of here!" She whimpered.

I turned for the front door.