Johnny Wraith Stories

Again I was falling into the blackness, but this time it was because I’d leapt back into it. As I dropped, the spirits of the dead once more came swirling around me, 

“Hey buddy, got a cigarette?” asked a bum.

“Sir, can I have a puppy?” inquired a small child.

“Can you show me the way to Toledo?”

“Sorry, can’t help you, but do you have a parachute I can borrow?” I smirked to each in reply, and this caused each of them to offer sad faces and swirl away.

To kill the time during this long drop, I started doing summersaults and cartwheels. I practiced spinning like a top. Sometimes I sang children’s lullabies, and at others I found my body still, my mouth quiet, my mind pondering this and that. What if I’d gone to school to become a chiropractor instead of a lawyer? What if I’d married that accountant girl back when I was 23, had a few kids, and a house in the suburbs? What if I’d been a religious man? What if I hadn’t lost so many friends over the years as a result of getting so outrageously drunk at so many parties? Falling into Hades really gave me time to think.

Once I’d tormented myself with enough “what ifs” and “why did Is,” the darkness began to dissipate and light appeared. It became brighter and brighter, and blue, as if I was falling into the sky. Fluffy clouds emerged and I fell through them. I dropped straight past birds. I saw pastel and striped hot air balloons sailing about. Hades? This couldn’t be Hades. Now I was really confused. I’d had enough. I didn’t need any more adventure or any more tests. I should have drowned long ago, when I fell off the bridge. Don’t resuscitate me. This was too much and I was tired of it all. When the suburbs and lush parks appeared below, at the speed I was going I was satisfied I’d land hard enough to splatter. Being ready for the end, I crossed my arms in resignation, let out a sigh, and closed my eyes. It had been a good life… I’d seen and done a few things with it, though not nearly enough, but who dies satisfied? All our works are dirty rags, eh?

Just as I had offered my resignation and exhaled, I was snatched at the elbows. I abruptly stopped midair and started floating. What now? I opened my eyes to find my mood suddenly and positively changed. What appeared to be 2 angels had taken hold of me. They were slender, smiling, and beautiful, with feathered wings, bare breasts, and were wearing diamond-studded g-strings. Each wore a peacock’s plume on her head. All right, Adam, I’m game for another test. Just one more! How quickly a couple pair of tits can divert us from suicide.

The plumed girls didn’t say a thing. They just kept smiling and flapping their wings. Gradually the ground grew nearer. We flew over tract after tract of suburb housing, thousands of little rooftops that all looked the same. A master-planned community stretching to the horizon in every direction, and the only things breaking the monotony of the dense, checkered patterns were lush green parks and lakes. But there was something peculiar about the orderliness of it all. Nothing was unique. That was it. Even the parks and lakes were identical. In each park, children were playing kickball and dogs were chasing Frisbees. In each lake, couples were floating along in kick-paddle boats. The sight of it all gave me the same feeling as listening to a broken record skip and play the same line over and over again.

One of the winged girls tapped me on the shoulder and pointed. Up ahead, the monotony of the track housing, parks, and lakes broke. We were approaching a small train depot. An old black steam engine was idling next to the platform and choking out smoke. When we got closer, I could see a train conductor standing there, waiting. The girls put me down in front of him, giggled to one another, and fluttered away.

“Welcome to Hades, Johnny.”

“You know my name too? I should have guessed.”

“I do keep track of all the passengers,” he winked.

“This is Hades?”

“Sure is, at least the suburbs of it.”

“I thought it was a dark place filled with ghouls and tortured souls.”

“Look around you. That’s exactly what this place is – a dark place filled with ghouls and tortured souls.”

“Then where are the pits of flesh and lakes of ale?”

“My goodness, Johnny, if you are looking to find any of that, I’m terribly sorry to tell you you’ve come to the wrong place. You aren’t looking for Hades. You’re looking for Paradise.”

“Let me guess. Your train won’t take me there?”

“Nope. Sorry to disappoint you. Do you have any other destination in mind? I just may have a ticket.”

I scratched my head. Let’s see, I thought. Adam said something about vices. The vices must be part of the riddle.

“Where do I go to confront the vices?”

“Vices?”

“Yeah, you know, Idleness, Rigidity, and Greed.”

“Oh goodness. Johnny, in Hades, these vices you speak of are the virtues. And I’m not sure there are three virtues. There may only be one,” winked the conductor.

“Let me guess. Here darkness is light, so vices are virtues. Everything is upside down. One big tangled cluster fuck.”

“Well, not exactly, but don’t you worry my green friend. You have an eternity to seek your answers now.”

“I was taught to seek questions, not answers. Don’t you know Vatsulu and Adam?”

The train conductor offered a big smile, and his silence told me I wasn’t going to get any more out of him.

“Alright, I’ll take a ticket. What are my options? Do you have a schedule?”

“You don’t need one. The train only goes one way, and with one ticket you can get off at any stop and stay as long as you want. You can get back on the train and keep going whenever you decide the time is right.”

“What’s at the first stop?”

“It is a different place for each person.”

Shit. Hades. A one-way street, or should I say train track? It is tailor made for each of us, probably to make sure the marginal utility of our pain is maximized with every step we take into the mire. All you have to do is walk out of the place, but no one ever has. Maybe no one ever will, but fuck it. I’d give it a try just to take pride in knowing I did my best to defy Orcus.

I held up a finger. “One ticket. I’m getting the hell out of here.”