Johnny Wraith Stories

In seeking the soul the flesh must fall away

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Johnny Wraith - Wed Oct 24, 2007 @ 04:40AM
Comments: 13
Last Comment: Fri Nov 23, 2007 @ 06:16PM

There’s a casino just down the street from my office called the Jewel of the Desert, an Indian Casino, and because I have to pass it on the way home every weekday, just about every other weekday after work I stop there, and go inside. Large, automatic glass doors open before me, armed guards offer nods and smiles, and I step into the thick haze of cigarette smoke, ringing bells, multicolor neon flashing through the blackness. And so many grim and vacant faces, many of them pockmarked, old, worn down and beaten with poverty pass me as if slowly drifting and not walking, going out as I’m going in, making my way to the bar, to sit down, to partake of a couple glasses of wine from plastic cups. When my body is warmed and my mind rested with booze, I head for my favorite slot machine, The Star Wars Game, big color screens, scenes played out from the movie all around, a giant apparatus with several sit and spin stations all around, wildly spinning electronic wheels, whirling Death Stars, Luke Skywalkers, Darth Vaders, Obi-Wans. A giant screen at the top of the network of machines is flashing something like “$2,823,287.00 JACKPOT!!!” and always going higher, the lower numbers spinning, adding up, maybe $1.00 a minute tacking onto the sum. I find a cushioned chair, feed in several green U.S. Notes, and get to work punching the buttons. I only make “MAX BETS.” “MAX BETS” cost $3.00 a spin, though The Star Wars Game is a penny slot machine, but there is a catch, and that is you can bet 30 lines at a time and you can make a “10X” bet. All the buttons are there, lit up on the operating panel, but the most important ones are:

“MAX BET”

Or:

“10X” and “30 LINES”

As you see, ONE CENT times 10 times 30 equals $3.00:

$3.00 a spin, a “MAX BET.”

A twenty-dollar bill will give you at least 6 spins, and if you don’t win a thing in 6 spins you can hit “10X” and “20 LINES” once, or “10X” and “10 LINES” twice, or some other combination of buttons, just to make sure you give it all away without leaving a few straggling cents in your pocket.

If you feed The Star Wars Game $30.00 you get 10 “MAX BETS.”

If you feed Star Wars Game $120.00 you get 40 “MAX BETS.”

“Johnny,” the fellows at work often say, “what the hell is wrong with you? How can you go to the casino every other day and give your money away?”

And I say, “the wine is served in 10-ounce plastic cups poured to the brim and they only charge $3.00 a glass, the cost of a single “MAX BET,” though because I always leave a $1.00 tip a drink, each costs me $4.00, but since they pour out 2X as much as any other place, I’m getting 2 for 1 in any case. Did I tell you the wine is always poured to the brim?”

“But Johnny, you don’t just drink, you gamble!”

“Yes I do. And lately I’ve been putting $120.00 through The Star Wars Game every time I go through the doors, wander into the smoke, neon, and bells of that big teepee in the desert.”

“$120! You’re crazy! That’s got to be over $1,200+ a month you lose because you go after work at least every other day!”

“I still make rent.”

“Because you’re the fucking company lawyer… If only I had your pay! But how can you just throw all that money away? How?”

“I’m not throwing it away. I’m vying for a chance to be reborn.”

“Reborn? What the hell are you talking about? You’re wasting your money gambling! Like a fool!”

“You’re the fool. Not me. The Star Wars Game has a $2.8 million jackpot if I hit 5 Star Wars Wild Cards in a row.”

“So? What does that have to do with anything? You’re wasting you’re money!”

“Now that’s where you’re wrong. Let me explain. I’m a 38-year-old man right now. Assuming I save the roughly $1,200 per month I’m currently casting into The Star Wars Game, I’d be setting aside close to $15,000 a year. Let’s also assume I save $15,000 a year for 27 years, until I am 65. Do you know how much I’ll be worth when I’m 65?”

“No.”

“I didn’t think you knew how to calculate annuities, but for your information, if I saved this money at a constant rate until I was 65, rather than donating it to The Star Wars Game, it would be worth $1.4 million dollars. That’s half the $2.8 million jackpot, and isn’t even counting for what inflation would do to 27 years of savings, which means $1.4 million laboriously saved over 27 years will be worth a lot less that $1.4 million in today’s dollars when you get there, ceteris paribus taxes, though taxes are sure to go up, just like gasoline, cigarettes, and blow jobs.” 

“You’d still retire with over a million dollars!”

“You weren’t listening, were you? What guarantee do I have I’ll even be able to get a hard dick when I’m 65, let alone walk or wipe my ass? And by then, if I want a hot chick I’ll be too withered to win her with my good looks. I’ll have to pay an hourly fee! You see, I’m on the cusp of saying goodbye to my youth and vigor, as it is, at 38, a middle-aged man or close enough to it. Double the time I’ve wasted so far and we’re close to 80! I never had a gray hair until this year and now I’ve counted 5. My skin’s elasticity isn’t what it used to be. Until last week I never saw crows feet in the corners of my eyes in any of my pictures, but now I sure do. You can never count on having much more time, and time is worth it all, losing it all right now to have it all right now. I want to be a Prince Among Men while I’d still look good in a painted portrait, not when I’m old and ugly and trying to balance on a cane. Besides, I’m all talk. I’m not even wagering it all. As I said, I still make my rent. Do you understand now? This is why I play The Star Wars Game. It is that remote chance I’ll be reborn before I’ve arrived too close to death to enjoy the best of life, the remainder of my youth.”

“What? Johnny. I’ve got to tell you you’re still not making any sense. Things are as they are and they aren’t going to change. I mean, what are your odds of winning a $2.8m jackpot? It’s an insane dream! You might as well give up now because your chances of winning can’t be any better than being struck and killed by lightning the next time you step outside.”

“It doesn’t matter. Like I said, if I keep on going just I am going and don’t place any wagers, save it all up, it will be 27 years before I am a Prince Among Men if a devalued and taxed $1.4 million can even offer such a title by then, and by then, like I said, I’ll be nothing but a shell of what I am now, withered but rich, an old man likely devoid of lust and vigor. Don’t you see? This is my one chance, however remote it might be, for the bells and whistles to go off, all the reels to lock together one Star Wars Wild Card after the other, sounding the alarm to celebrate the new $2.8m Jackpot Winner! It is my second and only chance, however remote, to be reborn a trust fund baby, a Kennedy, a Prince Among Men! A silver spoon in the mouth! And what are the odds of being born a fucking trust fund baby, a Kennedy, a Prince Among Men in the first place? Are the odds any lower than those of winning the Star Wars Jackpot? Nay I say! Nay! They won the Jackpot by popping out of the right snatch at the right time and place, more than million-to-one odds, a lucky roll of the dice! I lost once, so I’m rolling twice! Doubling the odds!”

“Johnny. Get a grip. You’re acting crazy!”

“I’m not. I’m just willing to bet it all on having it all now rather than suffering for it, living each day amongst peasants, putting a little aside each day until guaranteed wealth becomes mine once I have become a skeleton among men, not a Prince. You may think I make a nice salary, but how are we any different? We still have to get up at the crack of dawn every morning, come into work each day, and perform the same labor over and over again. It is a trap, an insufferable way to live, a prison of the mind and spirit. So much wasted time. Get paycheck, eat supper, go to bed, wake up, work all day, pay bills, sit at desk, brush teeth, drive to work…”

“I know what you’re saying. Believe me, I do. But what makes you think you have any chance of winning? …I mean…”

“It is just the remote chance. A crapshoot. An absurd wager. But it is worth the miniscule chance of escaping bondage.”

“But do you deserve it? That’s what I mean. What makes you think you might be the one?”

“DESERVE? Now that’s a word I don’t want in the equation, a possible, fatal flaw. It is a horrifying thing to contemplate. Each time I hit “MAX BET,” I pray there are no gods. I pray there are no gods out there that meddle in the affairs of men or have the authority or concern to bestow birthrights upon them, higher powers that mete out the silver spoons, trust funds, the Kennedy name, or the castles and gold upon the Princes Among Men. Otherwise, my chances would be reduced by the unfairness and cruelty of preordination and favoritism, perhaps even piety. I want to be on the same footing as all others willing and daring enough to hit the $3.00 button. I want the advantage of raw, godless and void-of-heaven statistics on my side! I want the laughing, dancing Devil on my side. He is a deity of real odds making the shots fair and letting the dice fall where they may. If there are no blessed children out there, then maybe I have a chance! Let the fucking lighting strike when I am drunk on wine sipped from plastic cups, caught up in frenzy, surrounded by blackness, clouds of cigarette smoke, bells, electronic screens, flashing neon, all while punching the “MAX BET” button on The Star Wars Game, as if there no tomorrow! $2.8 MILLION DOLLARS of hope, a long shot!”

It is frenzy, a wild hope. Anticipation the reels just might stop with all The Star Wars Wild Cards lined up. When the money runs out, reach into the wallet and pull another $20.00 out. Feed it into The Star Wars Game, start hitting the “MAX BUTTON” again, having faith with hope that heaven does not exist, that lightning will strike. And really, each $3.00 spin is yet one more chance to be born a Kennedy, a trust fund babe with silver spoon in mouth, a Prince Among Men. And in many ways, the chill that streaks down the spine is worth it, something to hold onto, as in down times of suffering, famine, and war, I hear it is only those who hang onto hope that survive.

LET THE REELS SPIN!  

I am back in the womb perched to break out into the open air with my glistening, pink, bald head, to be born into a world of delight and life, and carefree being, into the dinging bells and flashing neon lights. It’s all worth a few “MAX BETS,” the far off dream of walking out of that place, not with a face that is vacant, grim, or pockmarked, old, worn down or beaten with poverty, slowly drifting and not walking, but instead as a hollowed and worthy trust fund babe, a Kennedy, a Prince Among Men, with shining countenance and proud gait.

LET THE REELS SPIN!

FEEL THE CHILL OF POTENTIAL REBIRTH IN THE SPINE!

It is only a penny a game to help the Indians, the keepers of the big teepee in the desert, The Jewel of the Desert, for they are the only purveyors of hope I know.

Comments: 13
Last Comment: Fri Nov 23, 2007 @ 06:16PM

Comments

1. Ronald Matthew Kelly - Wed Oct 24, 2007 @ 07:03PM

Johnny,

Upon my first reading of this story, my gut reaction was that this was the finest rationalization of compulsive gambling that I had ever heard! As a matter of fact, I considered to to be a much better rationalization that the one that I had espoused back in the late 1990's. Remember what I had said at that time, when I was "gambling [my] balls off," as my friend
'Father' Jim later put it? Let me refresh your memory, starting with some background.

At the time, I had been having a particulary bad run of poker. I initially blamed this bad run on "just bad luck," as my "good hands" were being crushed by "lucky" wins by others when their mediocre hands beat me "on the river" by the incredibly unlikely drop of a card that made my winners losers, and their losers winners. Later on in my poker career I realized that this was not back luck - I just didn't understand that I wasn't properly playing my hands, and overplaying hands that really weren't particularly good hands to begin with. Once I fixed this problem with my strategy, my winning percentage really statrted to soar. But at the time, of course, I just attributed my lack of success to "bad luck" rather than "lack of skill."

A some point during this period, my fortunes were really stating to slide. You expressed concern with what was happening, saying something to the effect that "what will you do when the money runs out? Wouldn't you do better to conserve what remains, and put it to good use, (such as, I presume, possibly investing it, or starting a business)?" My response was something on the order of, "Well considering what I have left, I could not start much of an investment portfolio or much a business, and that it was in my best interest to continue as I was, but to formulate a better gambling strategy."

I think you do probably remember this discussion, as in at least one story you made reference to this in the form of a book I was reading [in the story, 'The Bad Man'], "Beating the Odds", or some such title.

But of course I was a compulsive gambler! Witness the fact that as I became a much better poker player, and my winning percentage rose dramatically, as did my win rate, I began to play poker less, and "house games", such a Blackjack more. Of course, only the most skilled card counters have even a shadow of a hope of beating that game, so my fortunes again began to decline. My ability to beat poker did not prove to be a challenge anymore, so I looked to the challenge of beating Blackjack, proving that I had no real desire to necessarily win in the long term, but make a big hit in the short run.

So my rationalization of why I should continue, at that time, to gamble, was undermined by the proven reality that profit was not the real motive. My "rationalization" was based in irrationallity!

So I read your story, and was ready to pounce on you with an "AH HAH! Ye hypocrite, Johnny Wraith!"

But then I considered it further. From reading your story, I gather that your thesis is that your gambling losses do not cripple you, and therefore, you are not much worse off financially over the alternative of NOT gambling. Moreover, should you hit the mega jackpot, you will be much better off financially. This, of course, would allow you to have the lifestyle that you have been denied because the whim of a cruel Fate which caused you to enter the world from the vagina that you did (of a woman from a poor family of meager means), rather than the vagina you did not (of a woman from a rich family of wealth and priviledge). By the way, notice how it all comes down to 'pinocha?'

In other words, the upside reward, which is eminently quantifiable, although statisically unlikely, more than for than compensates for the downside risk, which is that your losses in search of the Holy Grail of instant riches will make a neglible, although negative, impact upon lifestyle available absent your gambling.

A late middle-aged man with SOME money does not have a significantly greater chance of partaking of the fruits of a youthful woman over a man with LITTLE money; but this same man, with a LOT of money, will get young poon a Hell of a lot more often than a man with SOME money.

A brilliant calculus, Johnny! You are to be commended for your forthrightness and honestly in this manner, as well as the courage to avoid the easy road to a "comfortable" retirement. I salute you, Sir!

I, of course, will continue to rely upon methods [developed almost to a science over the last decade] in my pursuit of the sweet young things: the application of charm and wit, as well as a certain ruthlessness with regard to the utilization of deceit, scorn and disdain to achieve my goals. It seems to work as well as, and certainly at a lower cost to my purse, my previous method: liberal applications of cash.

I remember the days when my methods where yours, and yours mine. How greatly we have influenced each other over the years, to the greater benefit of each.

Carry on, Soldierboy! MAX BET one for me!

Cheers,

Your Fathful, if not salvish Servant,

Ronald

2. Ronald Matthew Kelly - Wed Oct 24, 2007 @ 07:12PM

Johnny,

I made some grammatical errors in the last comment, and would like to correct them, but I find I can no longer edit my posts? Is this a temporary condition of the site?

Ronald

3. Jim Bob - Thu Oct 25, 2007 @ 05:08AM

Johnny, this was a good one! Robert.

4. Johnny Wraith - Thu Oct 25, 2007 @ 05:47AM

Ronald,

I'll check into the blog comment editing thing. This will be a question to Doodlebit. I know as an admin, I can edit anything, but as a "user" or a "privileged" member of the site you cannot currently make any edits once you hit save. For now, if you’ll email me the edits, I’ll make the corrections.

It is rare a comment to a story is good as the story itself, or better, but this is one of those cases. I vividly remember your gambling days, and the funny thing is there seems to be a connection between the urge to gamble and the gambler’s ability to think through the logic of the odds and the variables that can be manipulated. The irony, it seems to me, is that the better one is able to think through it all, the more likely one is to become obsessed. Or said another way, Forest Gump would likely never place a wager. “That’s a sure way to lose your money.”

I’m impressed how you’ve discovered the secret to my gambling, though it wasn’t an intentional part of the story. In telling the story the fact “I still make rent” was not a conscious variable. With hindsight, I realize that all I’m really wagering is old age, not my current state of being, but, the story still works because the premise is that what I have now, which is some youth remaining, is a lot more valuable than what I will have when I am decrepit. I’d rather cash out the annuity now, not later, and I’m willing to take a penalty. Granted, the cash value of winning the $2.8m is a lot more than the alternative retirement plan, but winning the $2.8m is a high, high risk investment at best.

There is something about the people you find in casinos that makes them different than people that don’t go to casinos. They are friendlier, better company, seem to laugh more, and enjoy life more. I think it might be that those of us willing to take risks are less uptight. The non-gamblers are wound more tightly. They hold onto what they have with more grave concern, worry more about what they might lose, and probably lie awake more often at night, unable to sleep for worry of what struggles the next day might bring, what is at risk of being lost.

Keep wagering my brother!

Johnny

5. Ronald Matthew Kelly - Thu Oct 25, 2007 @ 10:57PM

Johnny,

Just remember: always hit 16, never split 5's [double down instead], always double eleven [except against an ace], never take insurance or even-money, always tip your dealer, and never, NEVER say no to a free drink. Even if all you want is just a Coke.

"The Greatest Joy is Victory...!"

Ronald

6. Johnny Wraith - Fri Oct 26, 2007 @ 06:16AM

Ronald,

Now that I am armed with these tips, I can't wait to go to the casino and try my luck!

I've posted a response to why we can't edit blog comments in the Forums.

Johnny

7. Chris Miller - Tue Nov 20, 2007 @ 01:20PM

I read the story, and then Ronald’s comments, and found both extremely interesting. Johnny, you are a master rationalizer, and Ronald, you are his perfect foil and philosopher.

“The only thing more exciting than winning is losing.”—Jimmy. Johnny, you are an optimist. I admire that about you. For all your acute powers of observation and professed cynicasim, you are an optimist. When you push MAX BET you visualize—no, not visualize, actually own—the upside, the win. When I push MAX BET all I own is 3 less dollars in my mind. (I will point out that lower denomination slots are tighter than higher ones. You are probably playing at about 60 -70 percent (or negative 30-40 percent ROI) return. There are 100 dollar machines in Atlantic City that pay loss leader amounts of 105 percent, and so can be considered excellent, short, very high return investments, if you have the balls and bankroll. That’s a probablistic 5 percent ROI per pull!) But you are not about the math (despite your longterm forcasting). You are about being a prince. Because you are an optimist, you don’t have to win, you just have to play. Every pull, while the wheel spins, for a few seconds, you are a winner. Should you ever actually win, the fun would immediately stop. Reality would present. Our insurance broker won 1 million (20 years ago) in lotto 649. He quit working, got divorced. A year later I saw him in a restaruant. Went over and said hi. We looked a decade older, miserable, didn’t recognize me, seemed afraid.

Permit me to philosophize: The odds of your existing at all are less than one over the number of subatomic particles in the universe. Just your conception was a 100 million to 1 shot (no pun intended), never mind your parents’ their meeting, fucking at the right time and so on, and so on, back to the dawn of time. (Improbabilities are multiplicative.) So your existence is already nothing short of miraculous, virtually impossible. So what’s a measly 10 million to one shot at a mediocre amount of $ atop that? Nothing. Small potatoes. You’re not gambling. You’re hiding, avoiding risk in the safety of a simple exercise and fantasy. But your writing! Now there’s a gamble. And I’m impressed.

A couple nits:

<b>will be worth a lot less that $1.4 million in today’s dollars</b>
that=than

<b>if I keep on going just I am going</b>
word missing

8. Johnny Wraith - Wed Nov 21, 2007 @ 06:22AM

Chris,

You make a great point. Just being alive is winning a jackpot.

And, you’ve just set me straight: I should be spending more of my time writing than at the casino. Writing is an escape into fantasy and so is the action of hitting MAX BET. However, the most I can get from a MAX BET is a slim chance at lots of money, and if I write a story, once the words are down, my fantasy is immortalized into material form. And which has more value? For me, I must now admit, now that I’ve been set straight, the act of putting down the words, pulling them out of my mind and putting them on paper, is a greater reward than watching any reels spin, regardless of outcome. Our work as artists cannot be valued, as it is priceless – and our work is both the action of building our art and the material outcome.

Thanks for the argument. It has made me a better man, or at the least, I’ve been encouraged to spend my time more wisely – at the keyboard instead of the slot machine.

Johnny

9. Chris - Wed Nov 21, 2007 @ 07:36PM

Wasn't meaning to set you straight, just show your piece here got me thinking. Although, one best seller and a movie deal would probably make that Star Wars jackpot seem pretty lame too. Plus chicks dig artists, more than slot players. Plus, bet your odds are a lot better writing too.

But hey, keep playing the slots if it gives you something to write about.

Be curious about that novel synopsis you mentioned in the other thread.

10. Johnny Wraith - Thu Nov 22, 2007 @ 11:44AM

Well, hell. I’ve kept stopping at every Indian casino I come across – and they are all over the place in my town. Just pull into the parking lot, walk through the automatic front doors into the neon, cigarette smoke, electronic bells, then find a Green Machine and feed it a hundred-dollar-bill. Play no more than 20 MAX BETS at $5 a spin, or cash out when I hit $200.00. I’ll be damned, but a few days ago I started with a $10.00 bill and now I’m running around with 8 $100’s in my pocket. That’s right, $800.00 in 8 bills. 8 Benjamin F’ing Franklins. No doubt my pockets will soon be empty when the luck dries out, but for now my spirit is heightened with great hope and the wallet is teeming with green. Perhaps I’ll visit a mystic, or a palm reader, or a fortune teller to better my odds of turning this $800.00 into $1m.

11. Anonymous - Fri Nov 23, 2007 @ 12:53PM

If you can let it ride 11 times in a row on baccarat or maybe craps no-pass/pass (assuming the casino will take half-million dollar bets, you're there baby. Go to Atlanic City, play the 100 dollar slots if they still pay 105 percent. That'd work too, maybe.

12. Johnny Wraith - Fri Nov 23, 2007 @ 06:13PM

Damn. I just returned from the casino with only $100 left in my pocket… Went crazy on the craps, but don’t worry, I just came home a loser and then logged on and read what you said. But, I’ll sleep on it and contemplate what to do with my last Benjamin. Funny eh? Odds were this was going to happen. Damn. The only saving grace is that it all started with a $10 bill.

13. Johnny Wraith - Fri Nov 23, 2007 @ 06:16PM

But hey! It is amazing how many characters I've met to put in my future stories. It's been well worth the $10!!!

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