Through Heaven's Door
Last night I died in my sleep. I mean I dreamt I died. It started out with me lying in a hospital bed with all sorts of wires and tubes connected to my body, stuck into my skin, forced down and up my orifices, pumping cocktails and blood in and siphoning the shit and piss out. No one was there but me, and an electronic beeping sound I think must have been the synthesized thump of my beating heart. And the beeping, my heart pumping, slowly subsided into silence and was gone. A great spiritual sigh of relief came over me as I fell into the darkness, nothingness, silence and peace, welcome disintegration of it all. Then, without warning, a bright light and flashing heat startled me back into existence!
Shit, I thought. It isn’t over yet. Another round. Too bad. The hospital staff can’t leave well enough alone, so they’re bringing me back. Bastards.
But I was wrong. When I finally came to and my eyes adjusted, I found myself standing in a crowd of thousands of people, not lying in a hospital bed. We were all dressed in white gowns and barefoot. Everyone was looking the same direction, towards a giant old man with a white, flowing beard. He was seated on a golden throne that hovered in the air. To his right was an ornate gate with a neon sign above it marked “HEAVEN.” On his other side was a flaming gate dressed with razor wire and its sign blinked the word “HELL” about twice a second. 7 well-muscled blond men with handlebar mustaches and white, feathered wings hovered above the giant old man, while 7 just like them stood with folded arms aside each of the doors, “HEAVEN” and “HELL.”
Uh oh, I thought. This can’t be good. Not for me anyway. I was already resigned to walking straight through the “HELL” door on God’s left without asking any questions.
The booming voice of one of the angels hovering above God called out “Jim Goodwin, please step forward to the yellow line.” Several rows ahead of me I saw a bald head nervously jerking back and forth as if trying to find the OTHER Jim Goodwin but knowing down deep he was the one being addressed. “You can’t mean me!” you could almost hear him hopelessly crying out, though his lips weren’t moving.
“Jim Goodwin, son of William Goodwin, the son of Herbert Goodwin, the son of Höbart Godwyn, please step forward,” the booming voice with feathered wings demanded.
And so, with the sleeve of his white robe Jim Goodwin wiped the sweat from his brow. Gingerly and with slumped bald head and shoulders he approached the yellow line to face God. The crowd offered not a single murmur.
“Jim,” spoke God in a kindly voice. “In twenty words or less please tell me why you deserve to enter the door marked ‘Heaven.’”
Jim slowly glanced up. “Um… um… God? May I… I… ask a question?”
“Sure Jim.”
“Is… is… this Judgment Day?”
“Yes it is, my son. You have 20 words or less to make your argument.”
“But… but… God! I have a lot more to say than that!”
“Innocent and good men need few words, my son, for their deeds have already spoken. Your fate is already decided, but there is a remote chance I’ve missed something you might want to bring up before your Judgment is pronounced.”
“I… I…”
“Relax Jim. You don’t need to say a thing. No words are still fewer than 20. But be sure to speak if there is something concerning your life, intent, or deeds I may have missed.”
Jim swallowed hard then made his defense. “God, in life I found the light of Christ, and I was saved!” He paused, looked down at his fingers and silently counted his remaining words, then looked back up again, fell to his knees, and held out his upturned palms. “I was a very, very good Baptist!”
“HELL it is!” proclaimed the Lord, and the angels descended upon Jim Goodwin, stripped him naked, dragged him kicking and screaming across the floor, and threw him headfirst through the flaming door marked “HELL.”
The angels went back to their stations and God looked out over the crowd. “Children, do not fret. Your brother Jim will not be suffering because he’ll be among the members of his congregation for all eternity. The fire and brimstone won’t be the punishment he endures until the end of time, but a spiritual existence with no end in which no dancing, partaking of wine, or real laughter is permitted. Jim chose his demons while still in the flesh. Worst of all, he broke one of the BIG 10 RULES: Don’t worship Golden Cows!”
The Good Lord chuckled and it was like thunder. I laughed too, but I was the only one laughing in the audience. In unison, my fellow brothers and sisters turned to me and sneered. I turned red as a beet. I guess they didn’t quite get our Father’s joke. And if you aren’t laughing either, I guess you had to be there.
And so the angel of the Lord called another name: “Murrali Vijayalaxmi, please step forward to the yellow line.” A proud little man with dark skin and a full head of black hair stepped forward, curled his toes over the line and offered his 20 words with his chin held high. “I am Brahman. I have worshiped and respected all manifestations of good and evil, which emanate from you my Lord.”
“HELL it is!” proclaimed the Lord, and the angels descended upon Murrali Vijayalaxmi, stripped him naked, dragged him kicking and screaming across the floor, and threw him headfirst through the flaming door marked “HELL.”
The angels went back to their stations and God looked out over the crowd. "Do not worry my children, your good and bad brother, Murrali Vijayalaxmi, didn’t quite get it either. He worshiped ALL the Golden Cows, plus I didn’t like his claim of birthright. The Hindu caste system always bothered me almost as much as the notion anyone could achieve anything in America with enough hard work and toil. But don’t you worry about your brother Murrali. His HELL will be enduring an eternity in close quarters with nothing but other self-proclaimed Brahman and a paucity of food and drink. I don’t need to tell you where that will lead! Not a servant will be in sight, so there will be no one there to look down upon!”
The Good Lord chuckled and it was like thunder. And once again, only I laughed along with him, and once again my brothers and sisters turned their heads and looked upon me with disdain.
And so the angel of the Lord called another name: “Nasser Hussein Mohamed, please step forward to the yellow line.” And Brother Nasser let out a loud scream, ran to the yellow line, fell upon his hands and knees and yelled out: “Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar!”
The Good Lord chuckled and it was like thunder. I laughed too, but again I was the only one laughing in the audience. In unison, my fellow brothers and sisters turned to me and sneered.
“HELL it is!” proclaimed the Lord, and the angels descended upon Nasser Hussein Mohamed, stripped him naked, dragged him kicking and screaming across the floor, and threw him headfirst through the door marked “HELL.”
The angels went back to their stations and God looked out over the crowd. “Do not fret my children. There will be no virgins for him. Even I wept the day he walked into a crowded market, blew himself up, and took 97 innocent lives with him. Let’s just say where he’s going, there are no women but plenty of satyrs… …so many Golden Cows,” sighed our Father.
The Good Lord regained his composure and chuckled again from his seat upon his golden throne, and it was like thunder. I laughed too, but I was the only one laughing in the audience. But my laughter stopped short and my fellow brothers and sisters turned to me and smirked in unison when the angel of the Lord called another name:
“Johnny Wraith, please step forward to the yellow line!”
And so I took a deep breath, walked through the crowd, and stopped when my bare feet were right behind the yellow line.
“20 words Dad?”
“Yes Johnny.”
“Thanks for all the mystery, wine, women, fistfights, and adventure, but mostly for the mystery. I hope HELL has more of it.”
God smiled big. “That’s more than 20 words.”
“Sorry Pop, I just said how I felt. Didn’t count. Can I ask a favor?”
“Yes, my son.”
“Mind if I drop my robe and walk straight into HELL without any angels fondling me? Else they have a fight on their hands.”
The Good Lord chuckled and it was like thunder. I laughed too. This guy was alright. HELL or not, I didn’t care because without Him I wouldn’t have had the joy of living in the first place.
“Johnny?”
“Yeah?”
“You can go to HEAVEN if you turn around and point out just one of your brothers or sisters to go to HELL in your place.”
This time I really had a smirk on my face when I turned around and saw all their scornful countenances, and I took my time looking over them, especially the ones I recognized from life. I turned around and faced my Maker once again.
“God?”
“Yes Johnny.”
“I’d rather go to HELL than judge one of them more deserving to take my place in the fire. I don’t have the right.”
“How can you say that to me, for I am the Origin and End of the Universe!” God boomed. “I am Alpha and Omega and I bestow and take away all there is, has been, and can be or become, and if I give you the right to send a brother or sister to HELL in your stead, you have that right!”
“I know, but even if I have the power to do it, maybe it isn’t right I use that power. It just doesn’t feel right.”
A tear fell from the Lord’s eye.
“That is responsibility my son! Now you have passed my 1st test, that of exercising your free will properly. Do you know why this is 1 of the tests for getting into HEAVEN?”
“I don’t have a clue.”
“Johnny, managing the Universe is hard work. You don’t think I do it alone, do you?”
“I thought you were omnipotent.”
“Well, that I am, however, even though I could do all the work, I’d get tired of the monotony of going around building stars and planets all day. The real fun in my job is kicking back and watching people, nations, and worlds play out their History. This is one reason for my having created Free Will. Without it, I’d know all the endings to things before they’ve played out. If I made all the rules and designed all the ends, I’d become really bored really fast.”
“That makes sense. You need employees that won’t abuse the power delegated to them.”
“You hit it on the head! After all, I like to take naps here and there, and some of them take a thousand years. I dream too you know.”
I smiled and God smiled back.
“But I’m still not sure I’m up to the job.”
“Yes you are, Johnny. You never worshipped a Golden Cow.”
“I never bought into any religion. I wasn’t even sure you existed until today.”
“That’s exactly it. Part of your living on Earth was the 2nd test of your Free Will, to see if you would worship any Golden Cows, and EVERY religion is a Golden Cow. In one form or another, I even made sure to put a warning against worshipping Golden Cows in every religious text and doctrine that ever existed, but few ever heeded it. Children just never listen.”
“So by choosing skepticism over faith I passed the 2nd test?”
“You sure did! Let me explain. It goes back to my needing reliable workers to help me with my work while I sit back and enjoy it – to take time off to dream or to watch things play out endings not even I can always guess. So, not only do I need my workers to be cautious of abusing power, I don’t want them creating my stars, planets, and creatures on assumptions or hunches. The last person I’d want in charge of a planet-building project is one of your brothers or sisters who lived out their lives on faith and wild hunches. You have to be absolutely certain of the facts before you turn on the water and fill up an ocean basin. You can’t guess or feel out how much water you need.”
“But I still don’t know how to create planets. I couldn’t even be trusted to place a grain of sand in the right spot on a small, lifeless planet.”
“Son, because you have proven you have no faith you have passed the 2nd test. Now go through the door marked HEAVEN and you’ll find quite a library there if you ask around. Don’t fret. By the time you’re ready 10,000 years, as you know them, will have passed, and that’s only if you get good grades.”
Comments
| 2. | Johnny Wraith - Tue Nov 13, 2007 @ 08:38PM |
Eklal,
That's a good point. You've made me think. I'd hope that if there were a day of judgment my heart and intentions in life mattered most. My only defense is that this story suggests that salvation, if it does exist, cannot be remedied with a quick fix or guessing. Such a mystery it all is, right? But if we stay true to our hearts, perhaps the mystery is nothing to fear.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
Johnny
| 3. | Anonymous - Wed Nov 21, 2007 @ 07:56PM |
It's just so hard to come up with a likable, separate-from-all, God character. Maybe if you made Him a Her, a babe, I'd have had more sympathy. But even with a booming voice and sense of humor, this guy's still kind of a meddlesome dick. I'd have a hell of a lot more questions for him than 20 words would cover, and if he'd done any kind of job on the universe, it would require his constant maintenance and intervention.
I think w/ the Hindus your confusing society with the religion. Hindus can believe whatever they want. No boss. No big guy. No dogma. Just the Kama Sutra and a lot of other texts of lesser interest.
Did you see the google links at the bottom here? All about hell. Hilarious. "The Truth about Hell" and "Hell and who goes there." Glad someone knows.
Don't be afraid Johnny. All that happens when you "die" is you wake up when consciousness/technology has evolved enough to revive and re-integrate you/us/everything. We all die all the time.
| 5. | Chris - Fri Nov 23, 2007 @ 12:47PM |
Occured to me this morning that this story would work a lot better in the 3rd person. Probably even the omniscient (god like) 3rd. As is, it comes across as self-gratifying or self-congratulatory and loses its fable quality. Worst, all the great philosophical thoughts are reduced to rationalizaions in the 1st person.
Normally I hate to change the tense or POV of a piece. But here, I'd give it a shot, see what I thought? I'd be really curious to see how it affected me then.
What do you think Johnny?
| 6. | Johnny Wraith - Fri Nov 23, 2007 @ 06:08PM |
Chris,
I like your idea, but I don’t think I have it in me to tell this story outside of Johnny’s mind. But I’ll meditate on the idea because you suggested it. Your guidance often leads me down rewarding paths I’d never have otherwise explored.
However, I’m pretty sure you’d be more up to the task of telling a tale like this from the mind of a deity because I’ve read some of your science fiction writings. By the way, do you have anything new up on the web in terms of short stories?
Johnny
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