How to Become a Good Writer:
To a few of you out there, perhaps very few, I am a good writer, and to even many more out there, perhaps I am a bad writer. I am a bad writer because I’m not published on paper, though a plethora of my shit is published on the World Wide Web for all readers to see without a fee. Yes indeed, if the test is whether some pompous ass sitting high in a skyscraper in a suit with a key to my being strewn across the shelves of Barnes and Noble has given my words approval, then I am a bad writer. After all, good writers appeal to the mass audiences that go to bookstores and spend money, lots of money. Hell, I know a great place down the street for Italian food that can’t be beat, but my wager is the local McDonald’s brings in a lot more cash and lots more folks know where McDonald’s is than they do the location of Tony’s Meatballs Café. I’m also a bad writer for lack of style, form, technique, and grammar, and a bunch of other things. I am an outcast from the fine club of artists and scholars that meet for coffee to discuss writing method, to gasp with delight over who has or hasn’t been published in this or that fine and distinguished magazine, and to here and there, between polite sips of espresso, throw in non-offensive jokes everyone knows must receive a proper giggle. Of course good writers are environmentalists, believe in gay marriage, are convinced it is always the man’s fault when relationships with women go sour, and that killing and fighting and yelling is wrong. I can go on and on about why I am a bad writer, but I’m only going to be convinced I am a bad writer, or a good writer, on a 1–reader-at-a-time basis. If 99 of 100 of my readers don’t like what I write for any reason, be it technical, spiritual, or otherwise, but 1 reader says,
“I liked your story Johnny. It made me laugh!”
then that is all it takes.
I don’t expect or require my 1 positive reader to be a professor or an acclaimed critic, and in fact I’m happier if he is an 8th grade dropout working in a garage, an auto mechanic. After all, he is a human being of the purest form. He lives, breaths, eats, and shits in the real world and probably drinks a lot of booze, smokes cigarettes, cusses, and farts a lot. If he can look upon my words and be pulled in and finish reading what I’ve written to the bitter end, then I have communicated with a real person. Some people out there in the literary world, the ones with their noses really high in the air, will assume that any writing enjoyed by the base auto mechanic is not writing, or literature by any stretch of the imagination. It has to be pornography or something of the equivalent. However I fear I’m not what I claim to be, for would this example mechanic read what I’m writing now? The hypocrisy! And just to let you know, if you are one of those egotistical, high-nosed taste-testers of what is or isn’t fine literature, you’re probably saying to yourself,
“Johnny thinks he’s a good writer because he makes an auto mechanic laugh!”
Don’t make your conclusion yet. The auto mechanic also told me, after telling me my story made him laugh:
“Funny how you got me thinkin’ ‘bout religion, Jesus, and all that. Nobody ever said it to me that way before. Maybe it’s ‘cause you was easy readin’, like you was really talkin’ to people and not bein’ too confusin’ by tryin’ to be too smart.”
I am a good writer by my own standards, because a grease monkey has offered my words praise. So, my writing is good writing, though it is published on the World Wide Web free of charge and has never been subject to the scrutiny or the pain of the birth-into- paper-process. More specifically, via analysis of the elements of the grease monkey’s praise, I am a good writer if:
- I get a few laughs
- My writing is easy to read
- I offer something profound to ponder
Yeah, yeah, you might say this is not an adequate test of whether I am a good writer.
This shit I write is by no means High Art, whatever that may mean. Maybe I’m an o.k. journalist, teller of anecdotes, or whatever, but hell, words are words, aren’t they? What really is the difference between a comic strip and War and Peace? I think one has pictures and words – not just words; and I’d bet there are comic strips out there that have affected certain readers more than War and Peace ever did. So, to put this argument to an end, I will admit that what I write may not be literature, or High Art. It is anecdote or journalism, or porn, a comic strip or whatever – anything but barrel-aged, fine literature destined for the Barnes and Noble shelves. However, this does not change my conclusion that I am a good writer. Writer OF WHAT does not matter to me. Whatever the words I write are called, defined, or labeled, I am a good writer because:
- I get a few laughs
- My writing is easy to read
- I offer something profound to ponder
Now, with all this said, I will tell you how I became a good writer. Ok, just to avoid your continual nitpicking me, yes, I will admit my conclusion that 1 of 100 readers – the auto mechanic, the grease monkey who told me my writing satisfies the above 3-prong test – is anecdotal evidence of my good writing, or of my being a good writer, however we want to say it. In addition to this fellow’s praise, I can only rely on what my ears have heard plus the 23 emails I’ve received from various readers, plus my subjective opinion that this feedback supports the allegation I am a good writer, or whether this said praise satisfies the 3-prong test I have put forth. Is this circular reasoning, or can circular reasoning be reasonable whatever the fucking professors have to say?
Let me interject here that I am not writing these words for me. My writing is a process of giving, not receiving. Having my words read is the receiving part for me. Otherwise we’re not having real sex. I’m just masturbating. I’m writing these words for hopeful writers out there. Maybe 1 in 10,000 of you out there will learn something from me, whether it is from how ridiculous or empty my words are or because they are truly profound. In either event, I have offered something to my fellow woman or man of the pen or keyboard.
So, with all this said, I’ll tell you how I became a good writer.
First, I have taken the position that all marriage is bad, that it is always equally the man and the woman’s fault when relationships sour, that killing and fighting and yelling is good, and that crude, disgusting, politically-incorrect jokes are funny if they are truly funny, and that it is ok to smash a beer bottle on the curb when all the beer is gone from it, instead of making sure to put it in a trash can marked “Recycle.” I have loosened up.
Let’s see. What else? Now I’m tired and starting to think all I’ve written herein is actually worthless, so, I’m just going to end this with bullet points, proofread once, and post it all up on my damn site. In the end, all I’m saying is living a little, loosening up, daydreaming, listening to praise and criticism, and just sitting down and writing as much as we can as often as we can will make us good writers.
How I Became (how to become) a Good Writer:
- Writing every day. Practice makes me perfect
- Reading every day. Most ideas come from outside my mind
- Listening to criticism and praise. Feedback helps me do more or less of what does or doesn’t work
- Daydreaming. The imagination will write my stories for me
- Listening to conversations. I find stories in every conversation if I am watching for them
- Smoking a cigarette here and there. Smokers are the best storytellers
- Getting drunk. Intoxication will lead to wild, wacky adventures and new ideas
- Going lots of places. Seeing the world opens awareness to many different stage settings, concepts, stories, places, the way different people live
- Gambling. A slot machine will give you a taste of what it is to be human, as most good stories are filled with hope and end in despair, and only a few are able to pull off happy endings
- Sex. Nothing tunes you into the psyche of human beings like getting laid
- Get out there and do lots of things!
- Don’t work the same job too long!
- How can you write if you have nothing to write about? Experience, not words, creates words
Comments
| 3. | Ronald Matthew Kelly | Sun Oct 21, 2007 @ 12:33PM |
Johnny,
Now you've hit the nail on the head. Imagine. Yes, a good write uses his or her imagination. It is not necessary for me to knock on the whore's door wearing a suit and carrying a bouquet of flowers. It is only necessary that you imagine that this could happen.
Now that you have imagined me knocking on her door in a suit carrying a bouquet of flowers, let your imagination soar, and write about what it shows you.
'Cause I'm damn sure myself not going to knock on her door wearing a suit and carrying a bouquet of flowers. I already have a brain tumor. I don't need some damned STD to go with it.
What the Hell were you thinking?
Ronald
| 6. | Chris Miller | Tue Nov 20, 2007 @ 02:51PM |
Writing is art. I think of Van Gogh lugging all his paintings around. Couldn't give them away for food. While the experts of the day told him how to make them better.
Personally, I can't read most mass market fiction any more. Even the "good writers" seem to have run out of ideas or been rushed and pressed into mediocrity by the industry.
I also think the big problem with industry gatekeepers is that they think they can recognize great writing even though they can't write it. Which makes no sense. Like I tried to program my computer to play go once and soon realized, I didn't know how to play go. The gatekeepers think they can tell others how to write, even though they can't.
Also, I've been kind of exploring celibacy as a creative outlet. Even if it works, not sure it's worth it though. Unless you're married.
| 7. | Johnny Wraith | Wed Nov 21, 2007 @ 06:05AM |
Yes, the old "What is Art?" question.
I believe we are finally ahead of the game because we no longer believe we can define it, which makes us men the caliber of Socrates. Definitely a double-edged sword.
I can't agree more with you about having to be able to do it in order to judge it. This is why modern corporate managers are buffoons. They can't work the details. This is why King Leonidas kicked ass and George Bush doesn't. Back when men were men, they led the battle and didn't just sit back in a soft chair while young men died at old men’s whims. This is why I think George Bush was a pussy for not accepting Saddam's challenge to a duel in order to resolve the current Iraq situation as an alternative to all-out war. And celibacy? I dare you to spend the money for a hooker!
| 8. | Rain | Thu Feb 26, 2009 @ 06:46PM |
I will admit, just from reading this, that you are a good writer. However, I disagree with you on many subjects. You should not outcast published authors just because they make money. In fact, usually writing doesn't get you much money anyway. Published writers are not necessarily aristocratic, egotistical, or judgmental. Just because someone is educated doesn't mean they're not a real person. Actually, I think many of the world's problems are caused because people can't see other people as being real. Everything from bullying, to prejudice, to war, is often caused by a simple ignorance of the fact that every human being has a soul; has feelings. Also, I'm sorry but I'm not going to become an alcoholic just to write better. It's possible to loosen up without going on a binge. You can take in more of the world if your mind hasn't gone funny, anyway. Sure, you'll experience something if you get hammered, the question is, will you remember it?
| 9. | ronald matthew kelly | Wed Mar 18, 2009 @ 10:08PM |
Dear Johnny,
I finally broke down about six months ago and let the Whore Nexy Door come into my apartment and do the nasty.
The result:
1. She kept begging to come back. This meant that she would call or text me at three am, which was convenient for her but not me.
2.. Which led to me losing sleep from all of her damn texts and calls.
3. Which led to me losing work shifts from sleeping past the alarm.
4. Which led to bills not being paid.
5. Which led to desperation gambling to try to catch up on my bills and rent.
6. Which led to having even less money.
7. Which led to me being evicted from my partment. Actually I voluntarily left in lieu of eviction, but the end result was the same: homelessness.
8. Which led to a flea-bag motel.
9. Which led to working too many shifts in a row, to get enough money to get another apartment, which led to exhaustion.
10. Which led to another week-long stay in a hospital.
11. Which led to another round of homelessness.
12. Which led to me moving in with my Mom.
13. Which was an excellent decision, because my rent is so much less than it was, and my Mom needed help around the house.
BUT I HAVEN'T WRITTEN ONE DAMN STORY, NOT TO MENTION A PARAGRAPH OR EVEN A PROVOCATIVE SENTENCE IN AT LEAST THE LAST SIX MONTHS.
But I did write this comment, which is excellent, in my humble opinion.
I'm back inb the saddle again.
But no longer fucking the Whore Next Door.
Life is good.
How are you doing, by the way?
Ronald
| 10. | Anthony Phillip | my website | Sun Mar 29, 2009 @ 02:28PM |
I enjoyed reading the correspondence between Johnny and Ronald. I couldn't imagine Ronald initiating something with the "Whore Next Door" until I saw the written proof myself. Way to go Ronald! I know a "Girl Next Door" too, except she is not a whore. She has a boyfriend and is only in town for one more day. Decisions, decisions.
This morning I woke up with the career initiative to become a writer. I searched for "how to become a good writer" and clicked on the 1st and 6th link under the results. This blog was the 6th link.
I recently graduated from USC and don't have a job. Two days ago I started blogging to vent about my frustrations with looking for a job. I've been living at home for the past three months and each day I stay here it is becoming more like the fulfilling of a prison sentence than that of a welcoming home party. I want to embark on doing something creative with my life and writing has recently come to mind. I am not a "good writer" by the aristocratic standard either but I think I have begun to improve with my recent interest in reading books (lots of books). Because I'm new to the blogging world I'm curious to know something. What methods of marketing and promoting yourself were you able to establish a following of readers? Check out my blog to and comment on it if you wish.
~Anthony Phillip
web link
| 12. | Alan Edward | Tue Jan 12, 2010 @ 06:35AM |
This is probably the wrong place to look for help. I read this page and saw this conversation, then I though maybe I can get some help from the people who have been commenting. I want to become a better writer, but my situation is a little different. I haven't found ANYONE I can talk to, I can't find any good advise, I really have tried hard looking for good advise. I read most of these comments, and I think maybe you guys might be willing to help me out. Since you are all writers. I recently just decided to become writer, I'm eighteen and so I have no experience whatsoever. You see, I think I am a very creative person, and lately I have been thinking that my ideas might be good in writing. Theres just one thing, I failed all my english classes, my english is horrible. . . Yeah, I know, how do I have any hope of becoming a writer when I can't pass a single english class!?(of course I made them up already, but I failed the first time around). I am a horrible writer, but if there is one thing I CAN do is be creative with my stories. And trust me, I have ALOT of stories. Lately, I have been trying to read more books, and write more often, I don't think college english will be any easier. So, I have great stories, but horrible grammar and writing skills. . . what do you guys think?
| 13. | Johnny Wraith | Wed Jan 13, 2010 @ 08:11PM |
Alan,
You are asking a tough question, but I'll give you an easy answer. Start writing and keep writing. Sign up for a free Doodlekit web site and start posting your stories. Post one story a week and keep it up until you have about 20 of them on your site. At the same time, sign up with a few writing forums and post the same stories there, and comment on other people's stories. This will give you feedback that will make you a better writer. Do this and it will all start falling into place. Also try to read 1 book a week. The more you read and write, the better writer you'll become. And just for the record, you aren't a bad writer. You write clearly and I understand what you are saying. Who gives a shit what your English teacher thinks?
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